Memo to: Michael Bay
From: Eric Robinette, your number one fan (LOLZ)
RE: Pain & Gain - red band trailer
My dear Mr. Bombast (née Bay),
I'm done, Mike. I just can't take it anymore. When even one of your trailers turns my stomach, I'm turning my back.
I've been putting up with your cinematic cacophonies for nearly 20 years. Ive been watching you since you turned a Wilson Phillips video ("You Won't See Me Cry") into a Victoria's Secret ad. I've seen all your movies except the original Bad Boys. (Oxymoron ahoy!) Heck, I stuck with you after Bad Boys II, even though I felt like I ate bowls full of raw sewage for a year by the time the credits rolled. You managed to bamboozle me into kinda-sorta liking the third Transformers movie, thanks to pretty decent 3D.
But no more, Mike. I now know how to quit you. And I didn't even need to see Pain & Gain to reach this epiphany. All it took was the red-band trailer. I'm going to review that instead of sitting through your movie. Life's just too short, ya know?
:32 - "I had a wife, two beautiful daughters - thank God I left her. Now I'm with seven honeys!" Misoogony is funny!!
:55 - Haha! People with little dicks are pussies, right? You manage to make Rebel Wilson unfunny, Mike. That's a feat.
1:25: Taser joke. Seems you're trying to make a comedy, Mike. You really shouldn't. You can't. I don't mean you can't as in you suck. I mean you just can't. You can't direct comedy any more than I can breast feed a baby.
1:53: Slo-mo spit shot! When you made Pearl Harbor, the best shot was from the point of view of the bomb. Now the most interesting thing you shoot is saliva at 48 frames per second. Progress?
2:05: Multiple shots of strippers. Last year was the day in the sun for strippers, Mr. Bay. Magic Mike you ain't.
2:23: Gay sex joke implied. Cos we all know that's a riot.
2:30: Midget humor! That only works if you're a foul-mouthed teddy bear, Mike. Again, it's so last year.
2:39: Stuff blowing up, blah, blah, yada.
2:54: Dog carrying severed human toe in mouth. I think that one speaks for itself.
3:05: Bullying is funny! I'm a disabled man, Mike. That shit touches a nerve.
I see a few critics, including some I like, have given you a pass this time, Mike. What the hey, it's a free country. But some of your defenders are liable to say that your movie is satire and is poking fun at the lunkheads. I've heard similar arguments made when assholes pushed people around and their defenders lamely said, "He was just KIDDING!"
Despite all the warning signs, despite all the bad reviews, I've always gone to see your movies, partly because writing these reviews was fun. But the fun has drained away when you make a movie called Pain & Gain, and it's obvious that only the first word in the title applies.
Toodles, Mike. It's been real.